i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
