Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
