I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
