We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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