life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
