I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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