I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
