maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
