People with herpes should wear stickers.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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