At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
