so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
