There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
