I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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