Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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