dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
