I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
