Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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