Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
