YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
