just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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