My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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