i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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