I think im going to throw up on grandma
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my sisters under your porch take her home
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
