so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
