not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
