It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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