she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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