Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
