Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
