she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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