he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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