i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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