I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
