I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
