We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
