i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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