I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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