I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
