I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I touched a dick in church today