hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.