insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
