And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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