Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
