Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
