I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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