i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
