I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
