Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
