seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
