I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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