Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
