marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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