Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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