You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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