This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
