the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you have feelings for this penis?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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