Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
