life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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