My friends, they love my intelligence
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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