so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
