Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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